the dark.. my comfort zone..

Monday, July 30, 2007

8:47 PM

Finally.. a Silver for Napfa. Haha.

Well, busted my knee during Shuttle run when I slipped and slammed hard on my right knee and just fell down on the floor. I was on the way to get at most a 9.8 s.. Well, so had to run again after Mr Fiz gave me a 1.5 mins rest. (-.-) I was kinda fast-jog-limping my way through.. Bearin with the pain, managed to get 10.3 s.. Slow.. Sian. Haha.

The rest of the stations were fine. Then it was 2.4km run.. Ah..

Pain, pain, pain running..

1st round, 2 mins.
2nd round, 2 mins 2 secs.
3rd round, 2 mins 6 secs.

I was on the way to get more than 12.40 mins with my busted knee. Luckily, Mr Fiz paced me for the last 3 rounds.. Managed to scrape a 12.30+ mins.. Ah.. Barely made it. Mmmmm..

Now I'm wearing a knee guard. LOL. Guess that means no Hand-ball with Mr Fiz tmr.

But well, I'm happy I got a silver. No early entrance to NS with my PES A! =D

8:47 PM

You're a seriously insecure L you know that?

Sunday, July 29, 2007

12:31 AM

It's on nights like these that I really miss you.

Looking out my window, the world looks so silent, so still, so peaceful.. It reminds of the times spent with you, which now seem so far away..

I used to tell myself to be strong, to be strong enough for the both of us, so that you could truly be comfortable..
I used to rely on your strength, so that I could feel stronger..
I used to talk about you alot, cause I felt happy when I did..
I used to eagerly look forward for the times when you would ask me out, cause when I tried, it didn't work out.. Maybe like you said, it was my fault..
I used to..

Now, there ain't a reason for me to tell myself to be strong, to keep my head up high..
Now, I rely on myself, which really ain't enough.. Look at me now.
Now, I try not to talk about you, cause doing so is too much than I can bear..
Now, I don't look forward to going out in the nights, cause if I do, I'd be alone..

Lost..

Thursday, July 26, 2007

9:28 PM

You tell me you want me to concentrate and study hard, study more. Yes.

I'm putting in the goddamn hours! But I'm not achieving the full result of what I know I should have gotten. Wanna know why?

Cause half the time I can't concentrate with you people talking and talking. Talking loudly, shouting from one end of the house to the other.

You tell me you want me to concentrate and study hard.

Then why do you guys keep asking me stupid UNIMPORTANT questions that you can ask ANYONE ELSE in this house of ours?? Asking me things like, "Who's t-shirt is this? Oh. Then this? Ok. How about this?" as well as "Wah. Look at this piece of news! It's about Rosyth!"

You tell me you want me to study and then you're giving me all this nonsense??

Right now, I'm really putting in my effort! NEVER in my life have I ever been so serious about studying! But all these are just demoralising me.

Going to school has the same bloody demoralising effect.

Teachers, can't you just understand? Stop bothering me! I'll do things my way! I don't need you to keep checking on whether I do the tutorials. Cause I tell you honestly, the only subject lessons I find useful right now are Econs and Physics. During other lessons, I really feel I'm wasting my time in there. And please, stop treating me like I'm stupid! Cause that's not what I am! I ain't stupid! Just because I'm in TPJC, doesn't mean I'm stupid. Stop giving me that look that says, "You're stupid and you need MY help. Without MY help you won't do well, without doing things MY way you are gonna fail."

I don't need your help. The only teachers' help I need right now are Miss Tan and Mr Yeo. The rest of you, please take a kite and fly it. Don't tell me your teaching methods are good and right. Cause if they were, you'll be seeing many more 3 and 4 a's at the A Levels..

I'm sorry if I'm being rather mean here. Don't judge me on this. Don't hate me for this.

I really don't see the point of going to school. I'm simply getting more and more demoralised everytime I go. And people in class aren't helping.

Keep your jokes to yourself! Do you think its funny? Well I'm telling you, it ain't. You're just pissing me off.

Also, stop trying to persuade me that lessons are productive. It may be for you, but it sure ain't for me. Cause I'm not like the rest of you(those of you who are that way).. We are different, and you won't understand just how different we are. Yes, in some sense, its my fault I'm different. But there's only one way out of what I put myself into right now, my way.

Dont tell me I am not spending enough time.

I've stopped almost total use of the computer. Most of the time I just turn it on to check my blog and read other blogs, but that would be at 11 p.m. after I have studied. Yesterday I didn't even use the com.
I've stopped watching anime, except bleach, once a week, which lasts 30 mins.
I've stopped watching TV shows except for the 5.30 p.m. to 6.30 p.m Channel 8 show, and thats only cause I'll be eating dinner during that time.
I've stopped watching Sat and Sun morning cartoons or whatever nonsense shows.
I've stopped going out or hanging out after school. I head straight home.

All that time is spent studying. I don't have a freaking life. Don't tell me about not having a social life, I don't even have a life!

So don't tell me I'm not putting in the effort! Don't tell me I'm not putting in the time. I've given up a hell lot of stuff. And trust me, I'm not enjoying myself. I don't want to be what I am now, but I'm just telling myself, this will pay off in the end..

Really, I'm on the verge of not coming to school anymore.. Unless I can skip the lessons I don't need. My parents are ok with me skipping school to study at home. So.. Yea.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

10:51 PM

I'M FEELING GOOD!! despite all other stuff..

WHY?

Cause I have covered (and sort of mastered) a few chapters from each of the subjects Chem, Physics, Math! =D

Don't know when I'm gonna start on Econs though.. Cause I dun seem to have time to read up Econs, since I'm busy reading Chem and Physics MCQs on the bus rides. LOL. Gotta do something about it! Heh.

Monday, July 23, 2007

11:00 PM

As I sit here, thinking of who to sms, I don't feel like smsing anyone..

The reason is pretty simple.. Yea.

2nd best never seems good enough.. But when the 1st choice is gone, whats left to do..?

Guess you never miss the water till its gone. When it was around, I just felt like it was enough having it there, just there.. right there.. As long as it was right there, within reach, I felt safe.

But now that its gone, I realise, my whole sense of security has disappeared. I don't feel safe anymore. I no longer have the feeling, that no matter how bad things would get, it would be alright.. Cause now I know, when I'm in trouble, there's nth to reach out to. No warship to protect me, to take me away. I am left defenseless, defenseless to the dangers lurking out in the dark.

Yes, I was in a way, selfish.. Selfish, and unobservant.

But well, is there a way to fix a broken bridge..? When you break it into tiny pieces, you can't quite glue it back together, cause it won't hold anyone's weight anymore. You'd have to build a new one, with new bricks. The design and perhaps strength of the bridge will be different, but its just something that will you will slowly get used to.. Mmmmm.

I will, right?

10:47 PM

'Sometimes, you just have to walk away. i know, we all hate to fail, hate to give in, hate to give up and that we love the challenge of life and want to keep on until whatever we are trying to 'win' has been overcomed, vanquished, beaten, won. but at times, it just aint gonna happen and we need to learn to recognize those moments, learn how to philosophically shrug and walk away with our pride intact and our dignity held high. afterall - its not your fault on your part.

Sometimes you really want to do something and yet it is unrealistic. instead of knocking yourself out, cultivate the art of walking away and youll find that things will seem a lot less stressful.

If its dead, leave it. don't go digging it up every fifteen minutes to check if there is a pulse.

Its dead, walk away.

You may want to get even - dont get mad, just walk away. this certainly is much better than getting even because it shows you have risen above whatever it is that has driven you crazy. and there cant be no better way of getting even than to ignore something so completely that it can be left behind. you can cry, but just walk away.

I can go on forever and try to talk more sense into you. but that my friend, will be never-ending. therefore, just let go and walk away - show youre exercising control and that you have good decision-making powers. not just any irrational thinking or immature behaviour. you are certainly making your own choice than letting the situation control you.

Yes, it really is dead. walk away.'

- Excerpt, once again, taken from Max's blog..

10:42 PM

'Dont expect - you never know what shit might actually come your way..'

- Excerpt taken from Max's blog..

Sunday, July 22, 2007

12:13 AM

It feels like it's been so long.. But it really isn't..

Empty. That's what I feel like now, and throughout the days..

A distant star too far to reach..

Thursday, July 19, 2007

10:59 PM

Pissed off.

You know, I really can't wait till I dun have to see your bloody mood when I decide to do something for my own good. You don't want me to go? Fine. No big deal. Hope you're happy to deprive me of something beneficial.

Right now, the only thing I'm looking forward to is NS. Earning my own money, and going anywhere I want without needing your approval. Cause by that time, its MY life I'm living. Not the one YOU want me to live. Stop controlling me.

Your "good" intentions are just making things worse.. Can't you see that? Sheesh.

I wait for the day when you have no say.

6:59 PM

Kukuneh you make me sad cos we don't talk anymore says:
you make me sad
Kukuneh you make me sad cos we don't talk anymore says:
):

Haha. Sorry Nehnehku..

When you told me that, the first thing that came to my mind was, "There's been stuff going on, so I've been rather affected to talk to people.." But I kinda realised thats just an excuse I've been playing in my mind.. And when I really think about it, there is no reason why I don't talk to you.. Mmmmm.

Yea well.. Finally I actually talk to someone. Nehnehku, you're like the first drop of rain in a drought. =) Be honoured. Haha.

Then I go on to think, I don't think many other people have this problem of people complaining or being angry that you don't talk to them.

Maybe its cause of what Fyonne said about how I'm like. Close to one, then later another, then go back, then another, then go back again.. But now, it's no one isn't it..? I'm not REALLY close to anyone right now. And it feels weird.. Sure, in school, I've got Adele's group.. The guys.. Fyonne.. Dixon's group.. But I'm not REALLY close to any group in particular.

Maybe I'm subconsciously telling myself not to get too close to anyone.. Cause it's getting me into trouble or things I don't like..

Today Audrey said something like, "Haven't talked to you in a long time, thats why.."

Well, whatever it is thats making me act like how I am acting now, its really making me feel very weird..

Help me get through this.. I can't get through this alone..

This post is really.. Random. Cause I can't seem to collect my thoughts properly. Mmmmm.

Well, highlight of the day..

Dan. = When u're emo, even happy songs become emo..
you miss me ah?
Dan. = When u're emo, even happy songs become emo..
:P
Kukuneh you make me sad cos we don't talk anymore
HAHAHAHA
Kukuneh you make me sad cos we don't talk anymore
don't YOU miss ME?
Kukuneh you make me sad cos we don't talk anymore
tsk

NEHNEHKU MISSES ME. LOL. =D

Monday, July 16, 2007

10:48 PM

'When something goes wrong, I ask myself, "What did I do wrong?" or "What did I not do?" I don't blame others..'

Mrs Helen Chew, Principal of TPJC

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Ma'am, I respect you for that..

Sunday, July 15, 2007

8:28 PM

Just what do I have to do to stay clear of all this pain..?

Perhaps it's time to harden up. Mmmmm. After all, there is no one that I can't live without.. It's just that the journey will be much, much, much nicer with you around.. But well, I'll adapt to this.. After all, It's what were we created to do. Yup.

Up till now, I only know one thing I did. The rest, you refuse to say..

Even though it hurts for you to leave, and I'm sure its gonna hurt more as time passes, I'm not gonna beat myself up about it. Yes, part of it is my fault, but the rest is yours.

You wanna leave without even trying to close the gap? I can't stop you. That just shows how little I mean to you. How INSIGNIFICANT I am to you.. Which you told me I wasn't, the last time. Remember..?

You said I didn't do anything when you told me the gap was widening? But really, you never did tell me. If I had known, I would definitely have done something.. Yup.. Cause you mean too damn much to me, for me to just let you go.. And I didn't see you doing anything too, so don't put all the blame on me.

If our friendship meant so little to you.. Then I guess it's useless for me to try and do anything about it now? Cause you're not gonna appreciate whatever I do. It takes two hands to clap, without your hand, there's nth I can do.

Well, even as I watch you go, I'm not angry, just sad. Sad that you'll let these things get in the way of the friendship we shared, which to me, and I'm sure you too, was something special and something different from any other.. And so, trust me, there's nth I wouldn't do to salvage this friendship, cause it was the closest to true love I've ever felt.. And just being around you, taught me the true meaning of what it is to love someone.. Well, if there's anything you need, you know I'll still be here, no matter what. ALWAYS.

So here's, goodbye. Handsome.. I do, I do love you.

And yes, this whole post is about you.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

11:10 PM

Today, was FUN! HAHA. =)

Here's some pics.. Cause pictures speak a thousand words. And I'm lazy. LOL.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

10:47 AM

Why don't you grow up, damn it? Stop being so impulsive, so immature and so crass. Grow up!

Stop blaming the world for something that was your fault! Seriously.. Is it our fault that this whole thing went out of your control? You're just pushing the blame to EVERYONE ELSE BUT YOURSELF!

Who's fault is this whole mess? YOURS!

Stop making up lies in your head and denying everything else we say.

Her anger, was it due to the fact everyone else knew? NO. It was because of what you did and said.
After 21st, you said you're serious. Then what about before the hols when you were telling me you were serious? So was that a lie to me? To her? To yourself? Did the promise that you were serious not mean anything? You just totally forgot/pushed aside that promise. So who can/will believe your promise that you'll be serious from this time onwards? You can't make a promise and then later say you didn't make it and then make another.

You don't know what love is! Love is letting go of the person when you find you are hurting her over and over again! Loving someone doesn't mean you have to be with that person. Loving someone means giving that person happiness, with or without you! Grow up from your immature view that when you love someone, you have to be with that person.

Can't you see that it doesn't matter the how much happiness you give her? What matters is how much pain you're giving her. How much pain you're putting her in! So what if you're giving her a hell lot of happiness? Does that make it alright to hurt her over and over again? I can't count the no. of times she cried..

If you had no idea that you hurt her and made her cry, then at least it'll be a lil easier to accept what you say. But you know it. You know how much she's hurting.. And it's been dragging for so long already.

You, of all people, just like the rest of us, should know how she is like. She's not one who can make a decision for herself.. So why don't you just make a decision for her? Be a man, and make the decision for her. Stop putting yourselves in this misery. Are you happy now? I really don't think so. and neither is she. Stop insisting that you can't live without her. There's noone in this world you can't live without. Stop using such emotive phrases, it's not helping you or her.

Well, it's just obvious that you aren't ready for a relationship right now.

And obviously you won't accept this without me telling you why I think so. Your actions clearly show it.

1. Blaming everyone else for your mistakes..
2. Keep on saying things like, "The past I was serious, I was an ass but I'm serious now.." You can't keep saying that. You have to take responsibility for the things you did and said.
3. Insisting that you HAVE to be with her, even though you know you're hurting her. Love isn't about having to be with that other person. Love is just about that person's happiness. If you are not giving her happiness, how can you insist on being with her?
4. All your violence. You wanted to break my neck? You wanted to hit me? You want to take revenge on me, and those who you blame for your mistakes? If you're gonna continue like this, you're gonna be no different from those terrorists.

That's all I wanna say. Yea. I hope you think it through. Stop thinking that we are trying to destroy your life, but rather, we are trying to help you. Though you obviously don't see it.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

10:55 PM

I really wanna thank my dearest Pineapple Tart for coming all the way down to my house at 9+ p.m to give me Famous Amos Cookies! Haha. I really really appreciate it! =D

Here's a pic of her at the bus stop..

And here's a pic of the note and cookies she gave me! =)

Another pic at the bus stop. Haha.

Thanks alot! =D

12:54 AM

I'm so dead..

God.. Right now I just have one wish. There's nth else on my mind. Just let me live through tmr. That's all I ask for. Pls..

I hope I don't wake up to face death either on my handphone or on a blog..

Friday, July 06, 2007

10:32 PM

I dunno. There seems to be nth I can do but wait till the storm blows over..

So thats just what I'll do.

I'll just wait..

Thursday, July 05, 2007

8:31 PM

On a brighter note.. I wanna say thanks to Fyonne and Chuan Ting! Haha.

For what..?

Fyonne gave me this huge heart-shaped lollipop during assembly.

Thanks! I'm happy. =)

And Chuan Ting gave me this!

It's a file containing handwritten calendars of the months July - November! With all the special dates like Dancefest, National Day and the all the A-level papers written down! Heh.

When she passed it to me, and I looked through it, I was just so touched. Noone had ever used so much effort to make me something like this..

And so, I just stood at Dickson's table, silent and still. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to react. I didn't dare to do anything, in fact. Cause I just felt like tearing, and knew I would if I were to do or say anything.. I really was that touched.. Mmmmm.

So after a while I managed to get myself to send an sms to the retard.

Thanks alot, Pineapple Tart! I really really appreciate the effort! =D

Well, I asked Pineapple to bring plasters for Handsome. But then the retard came to school late so didn't have a chance. So I took two plasters for my own cuts I got the previous night. Haha.

I know the colours are kinda gay but well, it was hurting quite alot when the skin was flexed and all. So, decided, what the heck!

Well, as usual, she decorated them.. Like all my notes, my drum manuscript book, and whatever can be drawn on. LOL.

Yea..

=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Now, time for me to be pissed..

That ***** failed my essay!! Damn it!

Childish? Immature? Go to hell la!

Those two immature points you said other people wrote? I DIDN'T WRITE EITHER!

And come on? Giving me 11 for language?? I DIDN'T COMMIT A SINGLE GRAMMER OR PHRASING MISTAKE!

IN FACT, I DIDN'T MAKE ANY LANGUAGE MISTAKE!

So screw it and get lost..

6:57 PM

So.. What is it I have to do..?

What's left for me to do..?

I dun have a clue. Why don't you tell me.. Cause it sure is getting really weird and all..

Nth I do seems to be right in ur eyes.. Nth I do seems to make things better..

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

7:40 PM

Ghost Of You And Me - BBMak

What am I supposed to do
With all these blues
Haunting me, everywhere, no matter what I do
Watching the candle flicker out in the evening glow
I can't let go
When will this night be over

I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me

Seen a lot of broken hearts go sailing by
Phantom ships, lost at sea
And one of them is mine
Raising my glass, I sing a toast to the midnight sky
I wonder why
The stars don't seem to guide me

I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me

The ghost of you and me
When will it set me free
I hear the voices call
Following footsteps down the hall
Trying to save what's left of my heart and soul

Watching the candle flicker out in the evening glow
I can't let go
When will the night be over

I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me

I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me